How To Create A Beautiful World. Starting Today❤

12108114_946016222144695_559278121595933007_n
How do you currently see the world?
Is it a glass half-empty? Is the world over-populated? Too many people? Ecologically going down the drain? Difficult relationships?
Or is it a glass half-full? Beautiful people everywhere? Diverse? Nature and the environment are beyond measure? 
Maybe it’s a mixture or you say it depends on the day, your mood, or what happens in the news?

What if I told you that the world is none of the above? That the world and your relationships are instead like blank screens and that they have no inherent or intrinsic qualities. That your mind is a projector. That you are completely projecting the world you see, the relationships you have and the very quality of those relationships. The projections have all come from what you’ve allowed into your mind and then affirmed and reaffirmed with your speech and actions?

That this is the true and only reason why the world you see looks so different from the world other people see.

That the world you see is neither a glass half empty nor half full, in fact there’s no glass at all. This is not a matter of thinking outside of the box, when you realize that there was never a box. It is not a matter of wearing rose-colored glasses, it’s a matter of understanding your mind.

Reality is a blank canvas, the world that you see if the paintbrush of your mind – there are no greens, reds, and blues and other colors out there – that is your mind.

There is no way out. This is the wisdom of no escape. You are creating the world with your intentions. Your thoughts, speech and actions.

Take complete responsibility. One way or another you are living out the world that you have made, so make it a good one.

That if you wanted to change the world you see and turn it into a beautiful world filled with love, kindness and beauty that you would have to really resist letting certain types of negative things in and work really hard to think, speak, and act positively.

That everything you do creates a potential in your mind and that potential – like a seed could grow into something very beautiful or very destructive. I’ll give you an example of how we create destructive tendencies and then explain how to create a beautiful world filled with love.

I have a client who cheated on his wife with a woman in the office. Larry says it just happened. It just happened. And he really believes this.

If was after-hours at work and Cindy was in the copy room and Larry went into the copy room and they caught each other’s eyes and one thing just led to another – and that was that – like instinct he says. He even disingenuously tells me through the mirage of insecurity that he is a really good-looking guy and women are always like this with him. Apparently to some degree it’s the woman’s fault. He goes on to ask me that if I were in the same situation if I wouldn’t be tempted to do the same thing? He then shows me a picture of her and describes how attractive she is.

 
But the seeds for cheating were planted long ago…it didn’t, “just happen,” in the copy room. The seeds were nurtured decades before. Forty years ago a young boy was secretly searching through Dad’s dresser and found the Playboy. Secretly he returned to these images again and again. The endless times Larry and his friends harmlessly just “checked it out,” consistently objectifying women. Combined with agreeing with and covering up another friend’s affair eight years ago. Having emotionally charged relationships and overt sexual conversations with other women. Fantasizing about other women while making love to his wife. Mix in a little tension at home with his wife and kids. Larry says it just happened – but it didn’t just happen. He planted the seeds and nurtured the latent potentials throughout his life.

 
The affair was the culmination of a lifetime of thoughts, speech and actions. It would have obviously been best to undo and purify the destructive latencies before the negative conduct happened obviously. But that is the gift of suffering sometimes – it forces us to pay attention and look in the mirror of our mind and discover with a little insight and wisdom where we went wrong. But for now, Larry painted his own painful reality and he’ll have to work very hard with his thoughts, speech, and actions to create a different world for himself. Simply apologizing and saying he won’t do it again are not going to erase the latencies. If he doesn’t work hard psychologically – statistically speaking – he’ll do it again.

 

The power of the unconscious mind to project it’s latencies is far stronger than the best of immediate willpower and intention over the long-term.
Everything can be changed, but it’s work – and a shift in worldview to understand and take responsibility for the worlds we create for ourselves. The world is a blank screen and our thoughts are indeed the projector at all times. There is no bad day. There is no wrong side of the bed. The world does not happen to us. We make our world. How do you make the world you want? How to construct a world filled with your highest aspirations? How to transform the world you see? Careful with what you put in, but be equally careful with what you put out and how you frame your reality. If you want to be truly happy you’re going to need to create a very different and very conscious blueprint.

 
Listen carefully – Stop saying you deserve to be happy. That’s a start. Or that you deserve a good relationship or that you are in any way entitled to anything at all. That is the giving up and loss of your power. What you deserve is the result of taking your power back and working really hard to create the life you want by changing yourself from the inside out. No more blaming and demanding that the world outside of your mind be different than it is. You need to change yourself if you want to be happy.

 

What I’m about to say is the great secret that’s not a secret at all all if you’ll open both your eyes and your heart.

 
This is where you must start to create the world you want: Recognize that kindness is being shown to you non-stop all of the time. Recognize that you live in a world of kindness. You are the result and ongoing recipient of universal loving-kindness.
Nothing good has ever happened to you in your life that was not due to the kindness of others. Your birth. Your clothes. Education. Your country. The roads. Your phone. The trash collector. People who wait on your tables in the restaurant. Your relationships. Your pets. Children. Even difficult people are teaching you lessons if you’ll reframe and pay attention. People are helping you quite literally – all of the time. Wake up and notice! Recognize that your life is filled with people helping you all of the time. Hardly a moment has passed without kindness being shown to you..every thread of the clothing that you are wearing right now is the result of kindness.

 
If you aren’t recognizing this there is a very precise reason. Because you’re discounting kindness. You say that’s not kindness – they’re being paid. They’re supposed to do that. If they didn’t do it someone else would.

 
You think you’re being clever by discounting? That you’re being smart? You’re not – you’re being very very foolish. You gain nothing from discounting except missing out on the love that is truly embracing you from every direction.

 
Drop your defenses and pay attention! You are surrounded by loving-kindness. Your very breath is the result of someone else exhaling. The trees, the earth and your natural environment are all providing for you. You are the living beneficiary of a great and loving universal kindness.

 
You live in abundance – stop being greedy and asking for more. Stop saying you deserve this and that. Take stock and be profoundly grateful for what you already have or you will never ever be satisfied with anything. Look at yourself. If you don’t like and can’t live with what you see then change your painful view. If you need help then humble yourself and ask for help. But whatever it takes – stop living in a self-created world of pain and begin to love and be profoundly grateful for what you already have and had. You live in a beautiful world full of never-ending wonder and potential – don’t miss it.

 
Rewind the videotape of your mind. Go back as far as you can and replay all of the kindnesses you can from your Mom teaching how to tie your shoes to your first-grade teacher teaching you how to read. Slow down. Take a day off. Fast forward through this precious beautiful life of yours. Your life has been a shower of kindness and love from others.

 
Once you recognize that kindness has been shown to you breathe deeply all the way down to the lower part of the diaphragm. If you’re breath holding then you’re resisting at the somatic level. Stop bracing yourself and resisting the kindness. Breathe it in. You are blessed – beyond fortunate. Breathe in the love that’s been shown to you.

 
Loving-kindness is a gift. No one has to be helping you. They simply are. Stop the discounting and be grateful to be alive. Be grateful that you have so much love in your life. You live with plenty. You have more than enough to be happy. Everything from here is the cherry on top. You aren’t here for very long so love deeply while you are and embrace the love that you have been so freely given. Love is a gift.

 
Finally acknowledge one last piece: That the kindness that had been shown to you has changed your life. Where would you be without the kindness that has been shown to you at every level? You are and have been the recipient of loving-kindness every step of the way along this long and interesting journey. Open your good heart now. Allow the love that is present to stream into your life – It’s all around you. Recognize now where a loving-world comes from. Love comes in from acceptance of the world around you. Love is created in projected out by your own mind, your speech and your actions, True and lasting happiness comes from this recognition. Happiness does not come from money and material things. The greatest happiness is love, and love is immaterial.

 

Have a beautiful day. You live in a beautiful world. If you don’t see it – make it so. Grow and nourish the seeds of your good heart

Reality Check

detachment-nothing-should-own-you
It’s impossible to own anything; a possession, a person, a child, nothing at all. These things are not yours and could never be. One way or another, you’ll eventually discover this to be true. To accept this is both freeing and uplifting, but it might take some getting used to.
It’s easy to get caught by things that are not catchable. Take stock: names on a piece of paper are all that can be shown to demonstrate something as being yours. Temporary lease holders at best – squatters perhaps, but certainly nothing to spend a life trying to acquire, possess and maintain. Enjoy the temporary illusion of what you have, but recognize the illusion, before the illusion possesses you. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the display, but recognize it for what it is, a temporary feast for the sense faculties.
The Dalai Lama described this condition, the human condition, to a group of monks sitting on a hillside in the Indian Himalayas seventeen years ago.

He stated to us that the suffering of human beings was a life spent by trying to:

(1) We get what we want

(2) We maintain what we have

(3) We spend our lives trying to be near people we like 

(4) We  avoid people we don’t like. He said, with regard to these four things: these     thoughts are futile, impossible, an illusion that brings suffering. Enjoy the illusions of life, respect their momentariness, their impermanence, but without attachment.
The litmus test: Stand in front of a loved one, a child, a friend or a possession and say to yourself, “This is not mine, this does not belong to me.” Feel how that resonates. If a smile comes to your face and you can breathe easily, this is recognition. If there is suffering, take the time to contemplate, explore and examine just exactly how you rationalize that this could be yours.
Free your Mind🌷

 

Being In An Extraordinary Relationship Might Mean Finding The Courage to Stop This One!

tumblr_nr83lq8xJb1th96h8o1_1280

Please never settle for a lackluster, a painful, or even worse – an abusive relationship. What are you (or were you) thinking? You’re fully capable of being happy and in a healthy, extraordinary relationship!

Finding the courage to leave a relationship that’s over is a battle I watch many of my clients go through, and we’ve all been there. The usual questions and ruminating thought processes are: The pain of repeatedly wondering, How can I be sure it’s over? I’d rather be in this than face the fear of being alone and starting the long process of starting all over again. What will people think? It will be too messy financially, and if there are children involved, what kind of message am I telling them if I quit? Can’t we work through this? What about counseling? Isn’t love enough?

When we begin to probe deeper, the checklist in sum or in part that it may be time to move on includes but isn’t restricted to:

  • The sexual intimacy is absent or has become rote or a duty, the blame game (exacerbated by name-calling) has become quietly or overtly routine, only one or neither side enjoys spending time together, the feeling of walking on eggshells in the presence of the other person, the absence of joy, the shared goals and vision of the relationship have diminished or are absent, the thoughts of being with another person are becoming frequent or emotional and/or sexual contact with other prospects has begun.
  • Don’t wait for the other person to end it when you know it’s over! The worst thing you can do in this situation is to begin behaving so poorly that the other person will be forced to end this because of the pain associated with your destructive behaviors. Be compassionate, end the self-sabotage and confront the fear.
  • Can’t we walk it back to how it used to be? Try again? You feel like you’ve exhausted all efforts, and you’re still there. It’s okay to give yourself permission to stop, to let go, to value yourself and the other person enough to move on. It’s okay to stop the fight. Admitting that it’s over does not equate to failure. With maturity and emotional responsibility there’s even the possibility of friendship in the future. Trust that you’ll be okay, that you’ll handle the outcome, you’ll survive and life will begin again. It’s vital to confront your fears, to not waste your life away in an angry roommate scenario, to go on and live your life. At the end of the day, you are not responsible for how the other person feels or their actions, but you are completely responsible for yours. If you need help, it’s okay to reach out to find resolution. You’re worth it. You can be in an extraordinary relationship, one that you’ve always dreamed of, you either need to reinvent this one, or find the courage to move on to the next. Either way, confront the fear.

Free your mind.

Relationship Selection Process

Your selection process in choosing friends, intimate partners and others to have in your life will largely dictate and determine your emotional future. Anger, sadness, anxiety, guilt and other destructive emotions can largely be mediated by a wise selection process – what you will accept and not accept, tolerate and not tolerate.

If you enter the amusement park don’t blame anyone else. If you get on the roller coaster don’t blame another. Know what your selection process is, and stick to it – don’t waver. Most importantly be patient – the first few months in any relationship is not a reliable indicator of character; it takes time to have enough reliable data points to see the larger chart of someone’s integrity and personality.
Pay careful attention to how someone manages and deals with conflict. All relationships have sticking points.

Key things to watch for: Emotional Responsibility

  1.  No one blames you for how they feel
  2.  No demands
  3. No control. Most importantly observe someone’s ability to communicate, apologize, forgive and move on.

If it’s too late and you’re already on the ride, instead of continuing to punish yourself, it’s okay to leave. Always give yourself permission to move on to another adventure – each time a little wiser than before.

#mindfulness #therapy #counseling #coaching #compassion #selfrespect #nodrama

Passionate Love

It would be so easy to settle for companionship. For years I’ve watched couples in counseling gravitate toward the middle, what even they describe as “good as it gets, I guess,” being comfortable, and just feeling safe.

I’m fascinated by extraordinary people who also have extraordinary relationships. People who live not only their lives to the fullest, but are complimented even further by their partners. And there’s more – they keep it going throughout their lifetime together.

We’ve had the chance to interview many of these unfortunately rare couples. Thirty years together plus, and still passionate for each other. Is there a commonality? Yes! What have we discovered?

These passionate couples share these five qualities in common, and I seriously recommend that if you’re going to be in a relationship that it has these qualities, and if you’re not in a relationship with these qualities – to recalibrate – and quickly!

1. They have the same sexual frequency – this is the number of times over a given period under optimal circumstances that they desire to be with each other sexually. Inevitably this turns out to be a deal breaker for passionate people if it’s not met.

2. They are emotionally responsible. They don’t blame each other or make demands on one another. In fact they are each other’s biggest fans and supporters! This is huge. They support each others dreams and aspirations even when it’s inconvenient. They have similar communication styles and take complete 100% responsibility for their behaviors and emotions.

3. Their values and beliefs are aligned. Think religion, ethics, financial responsibility, philosophy of life, vision.

4. Intellectually compatible. Need I say more? Not a deal breaker necessarily, but definitely a stressor if there’s a mismatch.

5. Recreational Activities. She likes to camp, he’s a metrosexual. Again, not a deal breaker, but a stressor.

Passionate couples who last over the long term – are five out of five on our checklist. They consequently know what to expect from each other – they have a degree of certainty which creates stability. Consequently they have little fear of uncertainty and both trust and support the changing passions of their partner. They are behind them all the way. They can’t seem to get enough of them, and support them to the end.

I highly recommend never settling for anything less than this regardless of the consequences. This is your life, and be fair to your partner as well, recalibrate as often as necessary. Staying together without passion is not what we’re looking for. Lots of people manage that, there are plenty of ordinary relationships, we’re seeking something else!

There’s more to it than this of course, but this is a great start!

One last bit of advice, and it’s completely telling of the relationship: In your heart do you believe that this person would be there for you if you were sick, injured, bed-ridden? Could you see this person sticking it out with you on your deathbed? If the answer is no, you’ve got some talking to do with yourself.

If you’re going to be putting your life into this, and that’s what a passionate relationship is all about, watch that selection process and save yourself years or even a lifetimes worth of heartbreak.
Finally, if it’s just not happening, do both of you a favor, don’t be afraid to fire someone, to let go and move on. It’s your life and you’re worth it.

Please feel free to like,comment, share our blog. 

#relationships #love #criteria #therapy #communication #responsibility #enotions #passion #lifecoach #mindfulness #goals #happiness #values #beliefs #present #awareness # meditation #freedom